Monday, May 10, 2010


I miss me. I think that's why I find it annoying when people tell me I look good. My face is puffy from steroids and my hair is short and curly. When I look in the mirror I am always surprised by the person I see and it's very disconcerting. I don't look like me, at least not the me I remember. I've been told I look good in short hair (and yes, I know it's a compliment) but never in a million years would I have ever cut my hair this short. I liked my long hair. The Kahan thinks I have body dysmorphic disorder a psychological condition where the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by a perceived defect in his or her physical features. I hope she was kidding.

It's more than just the physical me that I miss. I miss the me that had more days when I felt good than days when I feel ill. I miss the me that was spontaneous and adventurous and could stay up past ten.

In mentioning this recently to a couple of friends and family, all have reassured me that I am still here, I am still me. While that is somewhat true I have come to realize that the person I was is to some extent gone. I don't think you can have an illness like this and not have it change you in some way. It's not all bad but it's different, I'm different. You see while I hope for a time when I will have more good days than bad, when I can be more spontaneous and adventurous I now know those days are a gift, not the norm. I miss that norm. I miss me.


  1. Funny thing about inner beauty...others see it but we seldom get past the outside of ourselves to see it. I think part of what you miss is the you that is the giver because you know that Amy keeps you from doing things for other people, instead letting them do things for you. Giving to others has always been a huge part of your JOY. I think of that Lucinda Williams song..."you took my joy, and I want it back." Trust me on this, you're still the giver here, but as you say it's different. How can it not be? XOXOXO

  2. I hear you, Susan. There is joy in the ordinary. Making breakfast, walking the dog, unloading the dishwasher, watching a hockey game.
    If you are different (though I do not think so!) it is not in a bad way. And anyhow, short hair is much easier when you are driving that cute convertible!